Wednesday, October 16, 2013

On feeling better and being fair

For nearly 4 weeks, I grew more and more tired each day. My nausea came and went, but mostly came. I had no motivation to do anything. All I did was worry and sleep and try to escape feeling sick.

I had a few OK days in there, but if I pushed to my limit on those days, I was useless on the next.

I'm wondering now if the tides have finally turned. I'm on day 4 of feeling not too bad. I'd say yesterday I actually felt good. Three days in a row I've made dinner -- a feat I would normally consider a necessity and not an option, but one I have not achieved too many nights over the past month.

Now is time for organizing, prioritizing, getting things in order, and putting together the life I want to bring a new life into. Which is to say, I'm pulling together the life I want to live anyway.

And, of course I want to write about it.

I didn't really write while pregnant with Bear. I tried to write some when he was a baby, but I don't even know where I kept that. I was in such a fog. So, I wonder if writing about this one is being unfair.

But, it occurs to my that very little is fair between siblings. I could start out trying, but it will never happen.

One will always have had the undivided attention of having been an only child for nearly six years, while the other will get the benefit of having parents who have already been through each stage. One will always be the first child and the other will always be the youngest. One will always get the love of an older sibling and the other will always have the admiration of a younger sibling looking up to them.

No matter what, they will both always have all my love.

And, right now, I feel myself wanting to pour even more love and attention unto Bear knowing that when the baby comes, he or she will need me constantly.

(Almost) 40 and Pregnant

This post was written a few weeks ago, but I couldn't publish it because I wasn't yet sharing the news. Now, the announcement has been made and I want to write more. So, here it is ...

Life has been turned on its head.

Mostly, I'd given up any hope for a second child. Bear was an only child and would reap the benefits of all his parents' attention. Dan and I would enjoy the relative easiness of dealing with just one child - no sibling rivalry; no juggling the needs of two different children; no more diapers.

I felt a twinge of desire a few weeks ago. I knew Bear wanted a sibling - a brother specifically, but I suspect he'd take one of either gender. And, I wanted another baby. Just one more.

And, out of that hope came a new life.

I was clueless at first. I didn't feel well. The symptoms were there. I just didn't pay that much attention. Then, more than a week passed of feeling this way.

I sat and thought. Suddenly, I had to know.

Taking the test, I really had no doubt. It was just confirmation. A formality, really.

That was five days ago. Now, yesterday it started, I can feel my belly tightening. It's not getting bigger, but it's filling up. It's filling with life.

At first, I was so worried something would be wrong. That feeling in my belly makes things clear. Now, all I can imagine is a healthy baby. The perfect addition to our family. This is how it was meant to be.